What hurts the most? Love.
Oh my god, I thought I’d never EVER fall in it!
And then I did. I sure did…
It all started Wednesday, October 10th, 2018. Yes, I remember the date, and no it’s not because I dwell on it. I remember the day because it was the day of PSATs and it’s the day I chose to ruin my life forever.
Okay, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but after all that’s happened so far, I think I have the right to be dramatic. So, October 10th. At my school, we had the PSATs that day, and after every PSAT a ton of PSAT related memes are posted on social media. I recently got Instagram because over the summer I went on a trip to another country and met tons of cool people that I wanted to keep in touch with! So on social media this girl I knew of posted some memes to her Instagram story and I replied to her story, telling her how funny I thought they were. We started to talk after that and immediately hit it off.
The conversation went from friendly introductions and light banter to deeper conversations and revealing more about each other. I am LGBTQ+, specifically a demi-romantic ace (I’ll get into that later), but have not officially “come out” or told many people. This girl is openly gay at my school and I think that’s what made me kind of source her out… I always say I don’t want a relationship but I think deep down, I just want someone to love me and appreciate me, and I want to have someone there for me… so I came out to this girl and she was really nice to me and we talked about how we’ve been going to the same school together for so long but never actually crossed paths until this year. She’s also a year younger than me.
We talked every single day starting from October 10th. Every. Single. Day. I loved it and started to get pretty attached to her… we exchanged snapchats and phone numbers and talked even more. We FaceTimed every single night and sent each other memes on Instagram (ah, how young people communicate these days). I started to fall very hard and fast for this girl. I have never expected to be in love and never really wanted to fall, but this was my first, proper crush. The crush that confirmed that I am not completely straight. I don’t like to label myself necessarily and my philosophy is, whatever happens, happens. I have a very open mind and am capable of loving all people! What makes me attracted to someone is the connection I have with them: hence the demi-romantic. What that means is I need to have an established friendship with someone before I start to feel any sort of attraction towards them. I’m also ace, which means I don’t crave the ~intimacy~ other people might want in a relationship, I just want the hand holding, hugging, warm embracing. The simple, small stuff is what I really want :’)
So lots of time passes by and I know she doesn’t feel the same way towards me but I figured I’d have to come clean to her anyway, so new years day I confessed. She was very surprised but also not really because her friends figured I liked her. She asked me a couple times before but I was scared so I lied and said no… she doesn’t like me back and told me she doesn’t see us being together at all (ow my heart) but I knew that. I knew that but I still had a small inkling of hope deep down in my heart that something could work out… maybe if I talked to her more? Saw her more in person? Asked her more questions about her life to let her know I’m interested? Overall spend more time with her? Ah, hope kills.
After I confessed she thought we needed to spend time apart so I could get over her. It was the worst. I was sad because I wanted to talk to her but she really wanted me to get over her because she knew she would never love me back (again, ow, my heart). She did tell me there was a small amount of time where she thought she liked me but after thinking about it she decided against it (that still confuses me). Throughout our whole friendship, she told me about her crush to this senior at school who is 100% straight and made it very clear to her that she does not like her back. However, she still tried to chase after the senior and got pretty hurt in the end and cried to me about it 😦
Then when she kind of got over that, she reverted back to her old crush, my classmate who is also very straight, and still is hung up on her. Ahhhh I don’t know. It’s so frustrating watching her try to work on being friends with my classmate and date her when 1) everyone knows she’s hardcore crushing and 2) everyone knows she’s straight and it won’t work out. I don’t want her to be chasing the wrong people and getting hurt every time and I’m also intensely jealous of all the people she chases because I wish it were me… she even told me she doesn’t know why she isn’t falling for me because I “would make a really amazing girlfriend” and am actually available and not straight 
So some stuff happened and I won’t talk about it in detail but it was really, really bad and there was so much drama and now the entire upper school (I kid you not… I go to a really small school) knows I liked her and got rejected. She told some people about what happened and then they blabbed to everyone else about it. The girl and I stopped talking for like a month and a half. It literally broke me. I was depressed because I was basically outed and everyone was constantly talking about it behind my back but no one was actually coming to me about it. They just kept spreading it ’round and ’round and it got bigger and bigger. I was so depressed I cried almost every day, struggled to wake up, struggled to do homework, I stopped wanting to go to school and ballet (and ballet is my entire LIFE), and generally be happy. I was depressed for the first time in my life and I didn’t even know 100% why! I really liked that girl and so much drama was going on and UGH. It was too much… this kind of stuff only happens in movies and novels and tv shows but here it is happening to me in real life!!!!!!
It has sort of blown over now (sort of. one girl will not leave me alone about it) and the girl and I are back to being friends again. I’m more open with her now and I tell her how I feel directly. For example, today we had a convo about how I feel about her. I don’t really know. I’m in an awkward limbo… I don’t want to fall hard for her again because I know it’s one-sided but I want to continue talking to her and being her friend. However, people have noticed us talking to each other again and more rumors are flying 😦 that’s a reason why I don’t know if I want to associate myself with her… my friends don’t trust her at all and they are right for that because of what she did to me and her friend apparently hates me (I did nothing but ok…). But I like talking to her and she makes me happy and it’s fun talking to her and… I think I still like her a little bit. It’s nothing like it was before but… I think my feelings for her will never truly go away. You never really forget your first love right?
A little part of me has hope that she’ll come around but I need to ignore it; I just want to hold onto that hope so badly! This girl is pretty flirty and suggestive which is probably why I started to fall for her (because she made me feel like she was actually interested in me) and I don’t know… I think she’s really great. She still doesn’t know why I like her, and I don’t have a complete response for that either. She just makes me feel a certain way… I’ve never felt like this before and it’s hard to just ignore it. Again, she’s my first crush and… *sigh*. I don’t know… I shouldn’t need a ton of reason as to why I like her. It just feels right and I see something beautiful in her. She gets a lot of attention from boys (which makes me jealous for some reason even though she is not straight at all!) and that’s expected because I think she’s attractive…
I don’t know anymore. Love just really hurts. I want to get over her but I also still want to wait it out and see if she comes around… which is dangerous. I should be focusing more on my junior year and keeping up with everything I’ve got going on but I always come back to her… she really messed me up…
I know she’ll never, ever, EVER, love me back but my brain refuses to grasp that concept. So I sit here, waiting, waiting, waiting, for anything. I want, no, NEED to get over this, but I just can’t!
I can’t believe I fell in love. Just me though; I fell into it and she watched me drown from the outside, saying she couldn’t follow me and left me to get over it myself.
I need swimming lessons and a lifeguard.
CK365 