One in a Million

*sigh* where do I even begin…

So I think we can all agree that this year, 2020, is one heck of a dumpster fire. Honestly, who can say that this year is amazing, great, and brought them good fortune????

If you didn’t know, I am part of the class of 2020. I feel like the whole world already knows the extent of what the class of 2020 went through this year. It’s really, really disappointing; my school has so many amazing cultural traditions but because of covid-19 they were all cancelled and/or hosted virtually (which took away all the magic, and when are online meetings not awkward?).

The last post I wrote was about my girlfriend. Well… I should say ex-girlfriend now. The last post I wrote was when we were on a break because she still had feelings for this other girl. The kicker about the situation was my ex was not even in a relationship with this other girl and they hadn’t even spoken in 3 years!!! She just had some sort of emotional attachment to her and truly believed that this girl was at least bisexual (even though this girl told everyone she was straight and really did not want a relationship of any sort with my now ex).

I knew that my ex still had feelings for this other girl when we first started dating, but I truly believed that my love would be enough to make her forget about the other girl… I believed and thought that I could make her love me more than she loved the other girl. There were so many red flags in our relationship and we were complete opposites, but did I take heed of any warning signs? Nope! I continued on my merry way because I was so so so in love.

My ex promised me so many things. She told me she was going to marry me one day, that she wanted me to have our kids, and we made so many future plans about our life together! Forever after! She told me she couldn’t bear the thought of life without me and she told me she was lucky to have me; she told me I was “one in a million.” But clearly I wasn’t.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she was still in love with the other girl. Again, she and this girl were close friends for a couple months about 3 years ago. Just friends. Yet, my girlfriend was still so obsessed over her and couldn’t let her go. I knew this was going to happen I just wish my girlfriend didn’t lie to me. We were together for almost one whole year. Leading up to our break up I told her I felt like she didn’t love me because she never showed it. She didn’t say much back; she said “I still love you. shouldn’t that be enough for you to believe me?”

My ex was not really a good communicator. She never opened up or was completely up for talking to me about what she was thinking. I do have good intuition and am highly perceptive, but I’m not a mind reader… She blamed me for so many things and I constantly apologized in our relationship because she made me believe everything was MY fault and that if we ever broke up, it would have been MY fault. She manipulated my mind and gaslighted me whenever we had an argument. I’m not saying I’m not perfect; I know I said hurtful things and sometimes arguments were my fault. We’re both human but I was never afraid to confront problems and own up to my mistakes. She was a coward who believed she was never wrong. She’s basically proud of her “heartbreaker” title. But you’d think that if relationships didn’t work out, it’s kind of on both people? Not just one?

I should have been more careful, I know. Everyone around me knew she wasn’t the one for me. They could tell we were too different or that I deserved more. When I told my friends what happened they almost celebrated! They were so happy that I was finally out of this toxic relationship because they saw how often I cried over my girlfriend. My parents and sister didn’t trust her, and so now that my girlfriend and I are not together, they’re just telling me about all the red flags I really should have listened to. So clearly, no one thought that she was right for me, but because of how happy I was when I was with her, they tried to support me as best as they could. I love my friends and family and how much they support me; why couldn’t my ex have been like that?

I put 110% of myself into everything that I do, but my girlfriend only put in “enough” effort to get by. This ranged from homework to almost any basic activity. Again, we were opposites. In our relationship I gave her more than she could imagine; I gave her the UNIVERSE. I was so loving and caring, and I always made sure she knew it. What did she give me you ask? Not much or nothing at all. She was not giving and she just loved receiving. I was so used… I really do “have it all” in the sense I’m older, can drive, and I know more so I was able to help her with anything she asked.

The universe showed me the signs that we weren’t right for each other but I ignored them. So to set the record straight and get it through to me, the universe had to take her away from me even though it hurt. I needed that. She was toxic I admit. It makes me wonder if I was ever truly in love with who she was… was I in love with her whole self or was I in love with the idea of who she could become?

But it just hurts. It hurts so bad. We were best friends who would talk and Facetime every single day and night! But now? We don’t really talk at all. I don’t really want to talk to her because she’s not even sad. She said she’s fine and thinks I’m too eMoTiOnAl. She said “I don’t want to be sad so I’m not going to be. I told you I care so that means I do.” Girl, actions speak louder than words. If you don’t show it, I won’t feel it!

I hope tons of regret and sadness hit her like a heavy steamroller one day in the future. I also want a real apology. When she initially broke up with me, she wasn’t even going to tell me the truth about why she wanted to. She couldn’t confront the situation and didn’t want to admit what a horrible person she was. Why was I with her in the first place? LOL! She is all sorts of messed and is really not the one for me. She didn’t say anything more than “sorry” when I expressed to her how hurt I was. “sorry.” Not even an “I’m sorry.”

I still miss her though. That’s what’s messed up. I miss the memories and moments we had together and simply just feeling loved. Having a special person in your life was so nice and I’d never experienced love before so… I miss that. I miss being in love and believing that she loved me back… but I need to move on for good. It’s just so hard because every day I STILL think about her and dream about her and want to check up on her to see what she’s doing and– I know I shouldn’t. She’s doing literally just fine without me so we’re back to this whole thing being one-sided. I was the only one who did the loving and the giving and the caring and all the things that proper girlfriends/boyfriends should do in a relationship.

She made me insecure and had me think I wasn’t enough… but I am enough. I am more than enough. I’m pretty flipping fantastic and it really is her loss. I’m a wonderful friend and I know my worth. I deserve way more than what I had in that relationship and I’m lucky to have supporting friends who are helping me get over my relationship, which is now a distant memory.

The pictures and notes of her are gone and I’m starting to wonder if I even remember what she looks like. Quarantine distance does wonders for a person, and I’m really looking forward to reinventing myself and finally focusing on personal growth.

So this year? Definitely awful and I cannot wait for it to be over. Was I her “one in a million?” No, but in my world and through the eyes of others I’m more rare than that. If she could never appreciate me while I was with her, she will surely miss me now that I’m gone.

I don’t need to be anyone’s “one in a million.” Know your worth, people; you are special and deserve being properly cared for and loved. Don’t stay with potential.

Here’s to my glo up and moving on from someone who ruined me ❤

Boy, do I have a story for you…

Hello world… it’s time for an update.

 

So as per my last two posts, I’m basically-sorta-kinda-definitely in love with this girl.

 

I really thought she didn’t like me back around prom time but she actually did apparently… I thought she didn’t and she just wanted to be friends because that’s how it always was in the beginning…

 

but that’s not important… well kinda…

 

Fast forward to the summer: we both had jobs at a summer day-camp and it was super fun. We got closer and talked a lot. We spent SO much time together at work and then after work. I already knew I liked her, but the crazy thing was, she was starting to like me back! MIND BLOWN

 

This stuff NEVER happens! Someone liking me? What???????

 

But she did! And we acted on it. On September 4, 2019, she asked me to be her girlfriend. That was one of the happiest days of my LIFE. Yeah, yeah, I know I’m still young, but it was a day to remember that’s for sure. She did this cute thing where she gave me a huge tiffany blue box (blue is my favorite color!) and filled it with a bunch of blue things and wrote me a letter. I’m a huge sucker for letters, let me tell you.

I was so in love. She’s all I ever wanted. I got the girl! I hadn’t officially come out as LGBT+ to my community and family prior to us dating so when we made our relationship official, that’s also when I essentially “came out.”

 

Then we started to experience problems… I would say things that she would take personally or take the wrong way and then she’d get super sensitive and hurt. She didn’t want to talk about it and harbored all the things I said that she took offense to… I’d have to “force” it out of her in a way and make her tell me what I did “wrong.” I blamed myself for everything. I found myself constantly apologizing, yet I was the one constantly crying. She did make me happy… but something wasn’t right.

 

Here’s a fun fact about me: I’m awfully clairvoyant. No joke. My intuition is crazy good and I read people very well. So when I say I had bad feelings and doubts and fears… I was right. Every time. But did I do anything about it? No.

 

My girlfriend got into a relationship with me when she knew she still loved and missed the girl before me. Ow. That hurts. It hurts so much in fact that I can’t stop crying 🙂 I’ve been crying every single day throughout the day. Isn’t that great? My right eye has been puffy since Sunday and I don’t think it’s gonna go back to normal any time soon.

 

I knew she still liked the girl. She said she hated her after what happened between them. But I knew deep down that she was lying. She didn’t actually hate her. She misses her. She wants to talk to her again and she knows that she’d be truly happy again if she got back with her.

 

But then she told me she really liked me. I make her really happy. She wants our relationship to work. Huh? How could she have done this to me… get into a relationship with me when she knows darn well that she still misses and has feelings for another girl? Make plans about our future and getting married, having children, naming our children, adopting dogs together, what kind of house we’re gonna have, the kinds of cars we’re gonna use, the state we’re gonna live in… everything. We made plans for everything. We bought matching outfits, shoes, met each other’s parents, and made our relationship public. But she couldn’t fully commit to me. Because commitment is “scary.” Are you serious? Commitment is scary? You’re telling me…

 

You think commitment is scary for you? Gee, what do you think I think now? I was ready to commit. I gave her everything. My time, my heart, my love, my soul, my spirit, my effort, my attention, and my care. I gave our relationship my ALL. I put everything into that relationship. I did too much maybe… it felt one-sided from the start 😦 one-sided things tear you apart though… it ruins you. Being “obsessed” with someone but they’re not that crazy about you back? That ish hurts bad.

 

I told her I loved her. Because it’s true! I do love her. She couldn’t say it back though.

 

We’re on a break now. I was told by her classmate that she tweeted a lot about missing the other girl. That’s a poor move on her part… like everyone knows she’s in a relationship with me? But she’s still trying to chase after this other girl? Um? … ????????????? That’s not right. I don’t have twitter so I don’t see her tweets but when her classmate told me that… ow. She said she “can’t help it.” ???????? How can you not help it! You’re in a relationship with me! YOU asked ME to date you! If you couldn’t help it and were never able to help it, why did you decide to get into a relationship with me? This hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

 

I gave EVERYTHING TO HER!!!!!!!!! We made LIFE plans. We had our kids’ names picked out and everything. I was cuffed. I was so in love. I was sure about us and there was no one else.

 

I was fine with being single until I met her. I knew from the start that she was the one I wanted. I love everything about her… everything! I truly do love her… I have never felt this way about anyone before and I have never been more sure about anything. But I was so sure about her and about us. She is what I want in the future. She is the only one I’ll ever love…

 

While we’re on this relationship break, I hope she really thinks about things. I hope she is able to come to terms with what she wants and how she feels. I know it’s going to take time and it really sucks that she’s not over this other girl. It just hurts so bad to know that all this time… I was right. She wasn’t ready for a relationship and wasn’t ready to commit to me. To us. It hurts to think that we had our forever planned out, but now? It may never happen. She got me good… I fell hard.

 

I want to be loved back one day. I want someone to be as crazy about me as I am crazy about them. I want to be in a relationship where the love is reciprocated from the start. Not eventually. I want someone to be sure about me, not afraid to post pictures of me, not embarrassed to be seen with me, someone who won’t try to change me, someone who just truly loves me for me and all my weird quirks. I want true love.

 

But that’s too much to ask…

 

I’m so depressed I can’t even shower, brush my teeth, do my homework, drink water, or eat. I haven’t eaten in a long time and I just showered and brushed my teeth for the first time in three days. I don’t have the will to carry on and the energy to carry out my millions of responsibilities.

 

Send me to space, God. I want to see the stars… the planets. Be among the constellations and float past galaxies. I want to be one with stardust and moon rocks and Magellanic clouds. I want to take a trip on a comet and land in another world… either that or get sucked into a black hole and escape.

 

Everything hurts… my heart is heavy. It’s been broken by the same girl before, but now it’s 100% worse. This time I was actually dating her. But she was never truly dating me. She said she liked me more than bananas and whipped cream. She said I was one in a million. She told me she was gonna marry me one day. What are we now?

 

When will it get better? I can’t wait for time to tell…

“I’m Fine” and Other Fun Lies

Hi again, it’s me! Back again with the same old problems…

 

Alright, where should I begin?

 

So, prom was yesterday (whoooo!) and it was amazing and fun and I absolutely loved it! My good friend and I took this boy from ballet as our guest and we all had a really great time 🙂

 

However, most of the night, I couldn’t stop thinking about her (see my last post to understand who). What’s wrong with me?????

 

I need to tell myself “SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU GET OVER IT”. But… I don’t know what I feel… I enjoy talking to her and being next to her, but do I still like her? I seriously don’t know. I need a mood ring.

 

I need something, or someone rather, to tell me how I feel because I’m confused and don’t know! I literally could not tell you.

 

She asks me if I still like her. She’s asked me this two days in a row now and I don’t doubt she won’t ask me again tonight or something. We call pretty much every day; it’s kind of back to how it used to be last October-December :’)

 

But I don’t know if I still like her! I don’t know how I feel! This is so frustrating!!!!! Ugh, why is this so complicated? Like, I do like her, but I don’t know if I like her, you know?

 

She’s attractive and gets a lot of attention from people… like last night she went to a sophomore banquet with her friend from another school and she told me girls were coming up to her telling her how gorgeous she was (because she is!). She told me this guy asked for her number at the mall and she gave it to him. She told me her friend’s ex-girlfriend loves her and always tells her that. She tells me when people hit on her, ask her out, ask for her number, or even when people hug/cuddle with her. What the actual what? I swear she’s trying to make me jealous 😦 I’ve told her before that I get really, really jealous of that stuff but she still tells me anyway! She has the right to share of course, but then I get jealous that she’s… what am I jealous of exactly?

 

I was thinking about this the other day; what am I so jealous of? Then it got me really thinking about my deepest desires and insecurities… like at first I was like oh I’m jealous because I want to be with her and date her and whatever, but now I’m like… is that really why? I think it’s like that Charlie Puth song, “Attention”. Maybe I just want attention and I don’t want her heart. I want to be like her: tall, skinny, attractive… she gets compliments, is photogenic, people ask for her number and flirt with her… maybe that’s what I want. Maybe I just want to feel beautiful and get attention from people and feel wanted. Dang… this is getting kind of deep.

 

But I kind of think that’s it. I do want attention and I do want to feel wanted and loved… maybe that’s why I’m so jealous. She gets attention and she’s got a lot of suitors. She’s living the life I wish I was living…

 

Then again, am I just telling myself this so I forget about my stupid crush? I really don’t know.

 

I mentioned earlier that prom was yesterday and I took this boy from ballet. She doesn’t like him and is jealous of him and I don’t understand why. Heck, she told me she doesn’t understand either! I posted a lot of pictures and videos of us having a good time and in our call last night I told her about how much fun we had and she kept telling me that I’m “cheating on her”. But dude… we’re not even together! How can I be cheating on her if we were never together to begin with? Girls are so confusing…

 

She keeps calling the boy my boyfriend and “hubby wubby” (ew. That name is just ew) and saying that he really, really likes me and I should give him a chance. But he’s just a friend. She gets jealous whenever I mention this other girl at ballet because we have a handshake and hug all the time… but she’s mostly jealous of the boy. She said she hates him (strong word) and dislikes him. She tells me to not forget she’s my favorite person and that she’s my world (I said that when I had a big crush on her but now I don’t know how I feel so…) and she changed her contact in my phone to “Favorite Sophomore loml”. She also says stuff like “oh you don’t hate me, you love me” or “if you really love me you’ll do ____ for me!” and “hey you love me I’m your favorite! I’m #1 remember?” Can she not?

 

I know she doesn’t like me back but her actions make me feel like she’s trying to flirt with me to test the waters and it’s almost as if she’s trying to get herself to like me so she forgets about my classmate who she still likes even though she said she’s done caring, thinking, and worrying about her. She posts stuff and likes other posts about waiting for her no matter how long it takes and loving her always even after all the hurt and broken memories. Dude… she still really likes her; I don’t know who she’s trying to fool. But it just feels like she’s sort of using me as a means of flirting and trying to get over my classmate. I feel like she wants to like me back so she’s trying to put more effort into talking to me (she still doesn’t talk to me at school though. We never, ever do. Which is a sign I guess. I mean if she liked me from the start she would go out of her way to talk to me and be next to me. It’s what she did to that straight senior and my straight classmate) but I think that’s hurting me. I don’t know what her intentions toward me are for sure though… I don’t even know mine toward her!

 

*sigh* I just kind of want to pretend January through February didn’t happen. That’s when all the drama sparked and she stopped talking to me. I want to go back to the innocent flirting she did with me… I don’t know why though. Is it because I want to be with her? Is it because I want the attention? Like, no one has even given me that kind of attention before but I liked it. Maybe that’s the feeling I was feeling… in my last post I said she made me feel what no one else has made me feel before; maybe it wasn’t because she gave me butterflies, maybe it was the fact that someone was expressing an interest in me and was making me feel appreciated and special and loved and wanted…

Ugh, I just want to be loved!!!!!! I want to feel appreciated and special and loved and wanted!!!!!!

But it’s fine… I’m fine.

 

Wow… she just texted me saying she’s a very jealous person and she’s jealous of that boy from ballet that I took to prom…

 

Here we go again!

 

If anyone asks, I’m fine. But the truth? I need a mood ring because I can’t come to conclusions myself and my feelings will forever by a mystery science cannot solve.

 

This post is such a mess but honestly, it’s an accurate reflection of my inner thoughts right now…

 

Why did I have to catch feels? I can’t seem to let them go…

What hurts the most…

What hurts the most? Love.

Oh my god, I thought I’d never EVER fall in it!

And then I did. I sure did…

 

It all started Wednesday, October 10th, 2018. Yes, I remember the date, and no it’s not because I dwell on it. I remember the day because it was the day of PSATs and it’s the day I chose to ruin my life forever.

Okay, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic, but after all that’s happened so far, I think I have the right to be dramatic. So, October 10th. At my school, we had the PSATs that day, and after every PSAT a ton of PSAT related memes are posted on social media. I recently got Instagram because over the summer I went on a trip to another country and met tons of cool people that I wanted to keep in touch with! So on social media this girl I knew of posted some memes to her Instagram story and I replied to her story, telling her how funny I thought they were. We started to talk after that and immediately hit it off.

The conversation went from friendly introductions and light banter to deeper conversations and revealing more about each other. I am LGBTQ+, specifically a demi-romantic ace (I’ll get into that later), but have not officially “come out” or told many people. This girl is openly gay at my school and I think that’s what made me kind of source her out… I always say I don’t want a relationship but I think deep down, I just want someone to love me and appreciate me, and I want to have someone there for me… so I came out to this girl and she was really nice to me and we talked about how we’ve been going to the same school together for so long but never actually crossed paths until this year. She’s also a year younger than me.

We talked every single day starting from October 10th. Every. Single. Day. I loved it and started to get pretty attached to her… we exchanged snapchats and phone numbers and talked even more. We FaceTimed every single night and sent each other memes on Instagram (ah, how young people communicate these days). I started to fall very hard and fast for this girl. I have never expected to be in love and never really wanted to fall, but this was my first, proper crush. The crush that confirmed that I am not completely straight. I don’t like to label myself necessarily and my philosophy is, whatever happens, happens. I have a very open mind and am capable of loving all people! What makes me attracted to someone is the connection I have with them: hence the demi-romantic. What that means is I need to have an established friendship with someone before I start to feel any sort of attraction towards them. I’m also ace, which means I don’t crave the ~intimacy~ other people might want in a relationship, I just want the hand holding, hugging, warm embracing. The simple, small stuff is what I really want :’)

So lots of time passes by and I know she doesn’t feel the same way towards me but I figured I’d have to come clean to her anyway, so new years day I confessed. She was very surprised but also not really because her friends figured I liked her. She asked me a couple times before but I was scared so I lied and said no… she doesn’t like me back and told me she doesn’t see us being together at all (ow my heart) but I knew that. I knew that but I still had a small inkling of hope deep down in my heart that something could work out… maybe if I talked to her more? Saw her more in person? Asked her more questions about her life to let her know I’m interested? Overall spend more time with her? Ah, hope kills.

After I confessed she thought we needed to spend time apart so I could get over her. It was the worst. I was sad because I wanted to talk to her but she really wanted me to get over her because she knew she would never love me back (again, ow, my heart). She did tell me there was a small amount of time where she thought she liked me but after thinking about it she decided against it (that still confuses me). Throughout our whole friendship, she told me about her crush to this senior at school who is 100% straight and made it very clear to her that she does not like her back. However, she still tried to chase after the senior and got pretty hurt in the end and cried to me about it 😦

Then when she kind of got over that, she reverted back to her old crush, my classmate who is also very straight, and still is hung up on her. Ahhhh I don’t know. It’s so frustrating watching her try to work on being friends with my classmate and date her when 1) everyone knows she’s hardcore crushing and 2) everyone knows she’s straight and it won’t work out. I don’t want her to be chasing the wrong people and getting hurt every time and I’m also intensely jealous of all the people she chases because I wish it were me… she even told me she doesn’t know why she isn’t falling for me because I “would make a really amazing girlfriend” and am actually available and not straight

So some stuff happened and I won’t talk about it in detail but it was really, really bad and there was so much drama and now the entire upper school (I kid you not… I go to a really small school) knows I liked her and got rejected. She told some people about what happened and then they blabbed to everyone else about it. The girl and I stopped talking for like a month and a half. It literally broke me. I was depressed because I was basically outed and everyone was constantly talking about it behind my back but no one was actually coming to me about it. They just kept spreading it ’round and ’round and it got bigger and bigger. I was so depressed I cried almost every day, struggled to wake up, struggled to do homework, I stopped wanting to go to school and ballet (and ballet is my entire LIFE), and generally be happy. I was depressed for the first time in my life and I didn’t even know 100% why! I really liked that girl and so much drama was going on and UGH. It was too much… this kind of stuff only happens in movies and novels and tv shows but here it is happening to me in real life!!!!!!

It has sort of blown over now (sort of. one girl will not leave me alone about it) and the girl and I are back to being friends again. I’m more open with her now and I tell her how I feel directly. For example, today we had a convo about how I feel about her. I don’t really know. I’m in an awkward limbo… I don’t want to fall hard for her again because I know it’s one-sided but I want to continue talking to her and being her friend. However, people have noticed us talking to each other again and more rumors are flying 😦 that’s a reason why I don’t know if I want to associate myself with her… my friends don’t trust her at all and they are right for that because of what she did to me and her friend apparently hates me (I did nothing but ok…). But I like talking to her and she makes me happy and it’s fun talking to her and… I think I still like her a little bit. It’s nothing like it was before but… I think my feelings for her will never truly go away. You never really forget your first love right?

A little part of me has hope that she’ll come around but I need to ignore it; I just want to hold onto that hope so badly! This girl is pretty flirty and suggestive which is probably why I started to fall for her (because she made me feel like she was actually interested in me) and I don’t know… I think she’s really great. She still doesn’t know why I like her, and I don’t have a complete response for that either. She just makes me feel a certain way… I’ve never felt like this before and it’s hard to just ignore it. Again, she’s my first crush and… *sigh*. I don’t know… I shouldn’t need a ton of reason as to why I like her. It just feels right and I see something beautiful in her. She gets a lot of attention from boys (which makes me jealous for some reason even though she is not straight at all!) and that’s expected because I think she’s attractive…

 

I don’t know anymore. Love just really hurts. I want to get over her but I also still want to wait it out and see if she comes around… which is dangerous. I should be focusing more on my junior year and keeping up with everything I’ve got going on but I always come back to her… she really messed me up…

I know she’ll never, ever, EVER, love me back but my brain refuses to grasp that concept. So I sit here, waiting, waiting, waiting, for anything. I want, no, NEED to get over this, but I just can’t!

 

I can’t believe I fell in love. Just me though; I fell into it and she watched me drown from the outside, saying she couldn’t follow me and left me to get over it myself.

 

I need swimming lessons and a lifeguard.

Praised

Success!
Applause roars from the throats of loved ones
A beam of sunshine stretches across your face,
The pride of a dozen lions bursts from the depths and basks in golden praise
Confidence is rising,
Strength is returning,
Happiness is pursuing
But what’s that?
It’s rising,
Building,
Towering over you like a thousand story skyscraper
It looms over everyone,
Covering those remaining with shadows
What is it?
People scream and run,
Others cower away and hide
For it has grown far beyond the limits from praise.
It’s my ego.

Praise

Giving in – Revenge

You crave Revenge,

Is the two-second adrenaline bliss worth it?

Here it comes,

Flashing like lightning,

Red, violet, black

Pictures cross your mind,

Double take,

Must you obey your thoughts?

The fire builds inside,

Too intense to stop the craving

Slow motion.

Booming like thunder,

Don’t, Don’t, DON’T

But it’s too late.

Regret.

Craving

Flippant

So, today I’m doing some required summer reading/vocabulary stuff and I learned a new word.  That word was flippant. I realized that I am flippant. I feel bad about being so flippant towards my parents! I always push them away, and I am so snappy when I respond to them. It’s funny how this summer I am learning how to be more aware and mindful of my surroundings (my school even has regular mindfulness activities that we are required to take part of!), yet I am very impatient and ignorant.

I really hope that after learning that I am flippant, I will slowly start to change my ways. I really do often regret what I say sometimes, like I always lay awake at night thinking about the “teenage-angst” things I’ve done towards my parents and feel pretty bad. I wonder sometimes, what do my parents think of me? Do my parents think that I’m a good child? Am I significantly better than my sister who goes to counseling every now and then, or am I just as problematic? I really hope that they think I’m a good kid in general…

Sometimes, I think about what would happen at my graduation party when my parents go up to speak about my childhood to the moment I graduated. Will they say that I was a great child just for the sake of all the family around, or will they genuinely say that they loved every moment of my childhood? Hopefully, the second one.

I’m going to try to avoid making flippant remarks from now on! Unless I need to…but only towards someone who shows a lack of respect to me first!

Apology

The mistake is done.
The interrogation is over,
Overflowing like the tissues in the can.
You see your mistake.
You live with your mistake.
You have accepted the outcome.
But you wonder,
The mistake.
An accident or natural fate?
What the future holds,
Is an apology.
The apology breaks free from the demon in your soul and bursts from the depths of your heart…
To the people that were hurt.
The tears of the past become present,
And flow into the future before you.
The apology…
It’s pure yet timid,
Hoping for belief of it’s purity.
Waiting for acceptance,
Trust,
And forgiveness.
Whatever the future holds,
The forgiveness should follow.

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/apology/”>Apology</a&gt;

Vanilla

What is wrong with mom?? Not only is she emotionally abusing me, but feels she needs to push the fact that I got into That School.  Ok, I get it, I got in! Yay. But I don’t care what you want; I have personal goals that I set for myself and I have control over my own life. I don’t need to be redirected down another life path to suit your wishes. My mother is so annoying, she keeps looking at me and swinging her legs like a child. Why? I don’t know what her problem is but she’s definitely got one.
Not only that, she keeps commenting on my physical appearance. I don’t care if I have a ton of pimples or am physically bigger than my sister. Yeah ok maybe I care a little, but those are my personal problems not yours, so therefore, it is none of your business. I never like to comment on others’ physical appearances because it’s very rude and I never want something like that to happen to me. If someone really wants to make a point to tell me what they dislike about my physical appearance, then they should say it out loud in front of everyone. I don’t care! It’s not their business and the only reason why they’d be doing that is for the benefit for themselves. They’re obviously jealous about something that I’ve accomplished that they haven’t. Maybe they are just upset with me and the only come-back they can think of is a snarky comment on my appearance. Whatever, it just shows how childish they can be and how that won’t do justice to anyone.
My mother is one of them. She wanted to go to That School when she was younger but she was never bright enough to go. It’s not surprising really. She always likes to point out my pimples, whenever I get a whole breakout and says that something like that never happened to her. I don’t care! The only reasons why I’m getting these is that I’m being stressed constantly about going to That School, I’m getting home later, and I’m going to bed late. Part of this really is your fault. Mother also likes to point out that I’m physically bigger than Ashley or “why are your friends so skinny any you’re not?” Well, it hurts. It shouldn’t, but sometimes things like this hurt because people have mental battles with themselves and society is controlling peoples’ paradigms. I have a mental battle with my self every single day when I look in the mirror or even when I am at school, and I don’t want to be reminded about it at home by the people that are supposed to love and accept me no matter what. Yes physical appearances and looks shouldn’t matter that much, but self-acceptance is hard to achieve when the people you love are people who kill your self esteem and are constantly judgmental.
My advice for future me is to embrace yourself and to love yourself even if no one else does. I am perfect and I don’t need people in my life constantly correcting me on my opinions or choices. Being happy is also a big key to self-acceptance, and if there is someone in your life at the moment or even all the time, then you should cut them off and stop talking to them all together because they’re just holding you back from your full potential. I am always going to encounter people like my mom who are annoyingly judgmental and I will always have one person in my life at the moment who feels the need to comment on my physical appearance in a rude way.
Any comment on my physical appearance shouldn’t matter. Looks aren’t everything and they certainly aren’t important. I may not be ‘perfect’ in your eyes, but in mine, I’m more than perfect, I’m beautiful.

Sour

Jeez, why is dad so sour today?? He always puts on an attitude around Popo and Gung Gung. It’s like an, “I’m a professional and I know what I’m doing, oh you don’t know what anything is mom/dad let me correct you with an defensive and annoyed tone.” Every. Single. Week. He acts like this and it’s so dumb and hurtful! He always acts like he’s smart and it’s so weird because he acts so cocky and ends up being really mean. Then after his spiel of being mean and cocky everything seems to make him mad then he gets so agitated at everyone. It’s like how mom acts clueless or “curious” around other people, and let me tell you, that’s also INSANELY ANNOYING!! I guess that’s literally describing the difference between the genders right there. Men, stupid and so cocky to prove that they are always right, women, act dumb to somehow act endearing. Honestly though, I am a genius for being so aware of this right now! I wouldn’t have done it without my idiotic, sterotipical gender based parents. Man, they are so old school if you think about it, like back then men were always the dominant ones and women shrank back and were supposed to have polite mannerisms. Now women are obviously making a comeback to being the more dominant gender. But back to my point, DAD IS AN IDIOT WHO HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH CONSTANTLY BEING RIGHT AND GETTING ANGRY OR AGITATED WHEN OTHERS TRY TO SAY SOMETHING OTHERWISE!!!! Ok right there it sounds like I’m the one with the anger issues, but I assure you that it’s him. Also my mother is a full-blown idiot who acts a certain way around people as well, she just wants to act sweet but it’s not, it really isn’t. I am not ok, to be frank. I guess Ashley and I are both problematic, but I don’t believe that Ashley has a problem, I believe that she just has a different mindset and is heavily influenced by the media. That’s also a problem with young people these days, we are too impressionable and maybe a bit too influenced by media (which can be a good and a bad thing). You know, Ashley also has a different persona around others too, she acts shy and does that stupid giggle around people. She also acts really childish around Gung Gung and Popo, she also makes a stupid face when she sees like people we know (you know what I’m talking about, that “shy” face where her eyebrows are “worried” and she tilts her chin down but looks up… Ugghh I hate when Ashley acts up around people). Do I act up around people? I probably do, and it annoys me too, I’m sure I have a problem with being accepted and liked among people and that’s the reason for acting differently…. But at least I have a problem/reason! Mom and Dad are just literally brain dead and unaware of their actions, and Ashley is just too over-influenced by media (she acts so Tumblr is you think about it, maybe? I don’t know, but she’s definitely not the sister I used to have). I’m glad I’m making a point to write this stuff down because this will come in handy for explaining later.